Lagi nunggu donlotan. Loh, lagi di kantor kok masih aja donlot? Hm, sayang sekali yang didownload sekarang adalah software yang sangat berguna, bukan film lagi, huhu.
It's my 9th week of work and I have been trying (maybe not too hard) to enjoy my time here. This week is fine, very much better than the last. Except that I always get blank when it comes to this thing:
which I don't really know about and don't really want to know about, but for the sake of implementing 'software as services' I have to learn about.
Life is fine now. I still don't love my job but at least I don't hate it anymore. Most of the time when I don't have to work on 'software as services' thingy, I make myself busy coding with .NET until it's 5 pm. At times I get stressed, but not depressed. It's Friday afternoon, I don't go to the malls like everyone else here. I think that makes me look like an antisocial. Maybe I am. I don't know, I just feel like sitting here and write.
I'm trying to balance things. Of course I still think that work takes up too much of my time. I have to sacrifice my sleep hours, my unread books, my watching dvd time with my mother. I used to wake up at 4 am, so I can use the bathroom with the hot water before my father. But now I wake up at 4.30, because half an hour extra sleep is worth more than a bath with hot water. Well, as I said before, I have to work because I need the money. It's not like I can just escape from the tiring routines like that in Eat, Pray, Love, which I have not read just because it's too popular. And anything that's too popular is usually lame in my opinion. Maybe I'll try to read it someday. When the movie is out.
I still haven't heard anything about the Master's course from the consorsium and that worries me a bit. But maybe that's better, so I can just focus with my work. Yeah right. If I do, I won't be writing this right now, when the test plan I have to write is not yet finished. But in a few hours I will be free (but only temporarily).
Life is fine now. Monday to Friday I wear heavy boots, but at weekend I feel like one hundred dollars =)
Archive for April 2010
dengan segala ketidakbakuan yang dapat dituliskan, hehe. Jadi anggap saja saya memang sedang mengalami minggu yang kurang menyenangkan. Itu saja, ga usah dibesar-besarkanlah Nis, huhu.
Those late night conversations have made me feel better, though.
Hari ini praktis saya menjauhi huru-hara dunia. Baru bangun jam 5.45 (yang sangat tidak biasa), belum memegang ponsel, belum bertemu siapa pun kecuali Abang dan Dondi (karena bangun kesiangan, orangtua udah keburu pergi). Mencari kedamaian.
Sepagian saya cuma browsing dan beresin Tumblr. Menghapus semua postingan dan hasil reblog. Yap, saya memanfaatkan Tumblr saya untuk menampung list Stuff That Happened to Me, terinspirasi dari Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Dimulainya dari hari wisuda, life-changing event yang sepertinya belum terlalu jauh (masa mau dari masa kecil, huhu). Isinya ya peristiwa-peristiwa yang terjadi pada saya, ada yang penting, ada yang ga penting. Pokoknya semua yang terjadi pada saya.
Yah jadi sekarang Minggu siang. Saya bukan orang yang optimis (apa hubungannya sama Minggu siang? Huhu). Saya tahu saya banyak berkeluh-kesah. Hm, sungguh, bukannya ga bahagia atau gimana loh. Hanya saja, sepertinya saya menganut prinsip yang salah: kebahagiaan disimpen sendiri, kesedihan dibagi-bagi. Haha. Anyway. Saya bukan orang yang optimis, tapi saya suka berpura-pura optimis. Rasanya agak membantu. Dan terkadang saya bertanya-tanya apakah ada bedanya antara bersikap optimis dan berpura-pura optimis.
I do not believe that happiness is just a state of mind. I want to feel happy instead of thinking that I'm happy. And for me, the latter does not imply the former. But I also believe that we need no reason to feel happy. Laughing for no reason at all, that's one of the best thing to you can do.
Apa yang terjadi dengan keinginan untuk menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia? Huhu. Udah ah, mata pedes ngeliatin monitor terus.
Even now, this hole is still left unfilled. Words left unspoken. Truths I'm dying to say or I thought I had said but then they're still here, unrevealed. Those decision trees I've drawn, did they ever make sense at all?
Like a misplaced key, now I can't open the lock. And everything inside is left the way it was, untouched and unmoved. I am left the way I was. Maybe I'm trying too hard with this metaphor. It's harder being implicit in English. Well then maybe that's the problem, we always say things implicitly.
Your path, my choice. Did they ever cross after all, or was it just me being delusional? Anyway. They're out of question now. Just like so many things between us. Which leaves me, even now, still not sure about what I should fight for.
A few days ago Bu Mia told me she was reading my old posts in this blog, which made me read those posts too. Some of them made me laugh at myself. Some of them made me feel kind of sad.
I mean, this post about broken sandals? I remember those days too well. And I just wonder, if my sandals happen to be broken now, can I write a rather cheerful post about it? I don't know, probably not. I would be too upset and too busy looking for a pair of the new ones to even see the funny side.
I wonder if I have become that old and serious.
Reading my old posts made me read some of my friends old posts too, which is probably not a wise thing to do tonight. I have to work tomorrow and it's 9.30 pm and anyone who knows me knows that I will have a really bad mood next morning because of my lack of sleep.
I don't know. I kind of question every decision I've made. And whether I can still change a thing. And how I should know if I've made the right ones. How do you know? I'm not sure about anything anymore. I'm kind of lonely and left out and miss those days. I don't care if this post means I complain a lot. I'm sleepy and I'm sad and I don't want to go to bed being this sad.
Well, things changed. Somewhere along the road I lost my sense of humour. And my logic. And that costs me a lot. Too many conflicts, too many heartbreaks. I want to go to Malta and leave this all behind. Start over.
First of all, selamat Hari Kartini! Buat para wanita yang sekolah/kuliah/kerja, semangat ye. Jangan sia-siakan perjuangan Ibu Kartini.
Anyway, tadi di jalan pulang pas hujan-hujan ada yang request sebuah lagu ke suatu stasiun radio. How To Save A Life-nya The Fray sangat berjaya di jamannya dulu, sekitar tahun 2006 kalau ga salah. Saya sendiri dulu sangaaaat menggemari lagu ini. Dulu sering ngeliat trailernya Grey's Anatomy yang diiringi lagu ini. Jadi tiap kali denger selalu inget Izzie pake baju prom-nya yang oke punya itu deh.
Saya sudah ga mengikuti serial Grey's Anatomy lagi. Lebih tepatnya, saya ga mengikuti serial apapun lagi sih. Grey's Anatomy dulu serial favorit saya, nonton dari season 1 sampe pertengahan season 6. Setelah itu udah males, ceritanya makin dipanjang-panjangin. Bahkan sebenarnya dari season 5 juga udah males, karena setia aja tetep nonton.
Ah, kenapa jadi ngomongin Grey's Anatomy? Saya kan tadinya mau ngomongin How To Save A Life. Yap, most of the time saya lupa lagu ini pernah ada dan saya gemari, tapi kalau kebetulan diputar di radio, ya pasti ikutan nyanyi sepenuh hati, hehe. Kalau yang saya tangkep sih, ceritanya tentang seseorang yang sedang berusaha menyadarkan temannya yang tersesat (drugs sepertinya) untuk kembali ke jalan yang benar. Sangat bagus deh liriknya.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
At times I feel like Bilbo Baggins, with the Baggins side of him that loves to settle down in his comfortable life. But also with the Took side that wishes to go and see the mountains, waterfalls, to wear a sword.
I have been living in my Baggins side all of my life. But at times when I get really bored, something of my Tookish side kind of wakes up. I love to think that there are so many beautiful places I have not been. And at times when I get really sad, the places I'll go is something that keeps me holding on. Just like the genius Dr Seuss once said:
Congratulations!
Today is your day,
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sites!
You'll join the high fliers!
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lunch
wuth an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're dark.
A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you should go in,should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quaters? Or maybe not quite?
Or go around and back and sneak from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most usless place
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where boom bands are playing.
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the whether be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though you arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many stray birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with you left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!)
KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way!
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.This post has nothing to do with the controversy around Darwin's natural selection. It's just, sometimes I think that adaptation is something I can never be good at. I love my comfort zone. I love my routines. I love it when everything is familiar.
- Charles Darwin
Sometimes I have this reluctance when it comes to meeting new people. Because it takes a lot of effort to get to know someone. To make a stranger become a friend, an enemy, or remain a stranger.
Like when you open a book and you have no idea if you'll like it or not. When you don't like the beginning but still continue reading. Or when you've read half of it and still don't like it and you doubt whether to stop or not. You can stop and save yourself from the torture. You can continue and turns out it has a good ending that is worth the effort of reading the beginning.
And meeting new people is really just like reading books, sometimes you have to endure and finish it no matter what. The only difference is, I'm not good with people.
Akhirnya kemarin, setelah sebulan lebih kerja kantoran, saya baru bisa mulai menikmati kerjaan. Tapi lembur memang kurang baik buat saya sepertinya. Jumat malam jalanan macet, saya sudah ngantuk luar biasa. Baru tidur jam 11 (yang untuk ukuran saya sudah termasuk amat sangat larut), sudah terbangun dan ga bisa tidur sejak jam setengah 4.
Sekarang Sabtu, rasanya cuma pengen tidur-tiduran seharian. Lemes euy.
Baru memindahkan beberapa post dari Tumblr, biar lebih jelas sekarang yang mana buat apa. Pengen ganti template deh, yang ini terlalu meriah sepertinya.
I was thinking to myself,
that it does not seem right, the way some of us have to work until midnight while there are so many unemployed people out there but they can't share their workloads. Unless they want to be paid less or companies want to pay more, which is impossible because everyone needs every cent of money.
And they all look so tired and sad that I think maybe being paid less is better, at least they can get more sleep.
And it does not seem fair that there are people who ride alone in their car (like I do) and there are people who have to take their family in a motorcycle.
And the people on the street I see everyday - school kids, workers, taxi drivers - they always seem to be in a hurry. I wonder how much longer people can survive these traffic jams.
How about moving half of Jakarta people somewhere (where?) less crowded? Maybe if we have more spaces and less often bump into each other, we will be more patient and less grumpy.
Maybe we should recreate this world, where women should not be out when it's dark because it isn't safe.
Where something as tasty as Burger King's Whopper is good for your health.
I'm tired. I'm still not in a good condition. My throat still aches, my head is still dizzy. I'm dying to be home. But I know I have to stop complaining.
I can't wait until it's payday, so at least everyone will look happier.
Gw sadar kok, sepertinya belakangan ini gw terlalu sering mendominasi blog aggregator CSUI05, hehe. So I'll be quick this time.
Hari ini busuk banget. Busuk busuk busuk. Rasanya ga pengen balik ke kantor lagi besok. Huhu.
---because sometimes all you have to do is to just admit it a bad day and go to sleep...
**If you look for some motivational reading, don't bother to read this post.**
I don't know why I become so enthusiastic in updating my blog lately. It feels like a cure, like a friend who says those magic words "everything is gonna be alright". Because well, sometimes I doubt every decisions, every choices I made, why I'm standing here. And at times like those, nothing is alright.
Why does time fly so fast at weekends? It isn't fair. Tomorrow is Monday again, which is always a torture to me. I hate the thought of Monday, more than I hate the Monday itself. I know it's just for a few more months, but sometimes I feel like I can't even stand it for one more day. Haha. Just kidding. Or not. I will (try to) hold on.
Maybe this is just not my passion. I mean, all those things about middlewares and service oriented architectures and requirement gathering-analysis and design-implementation-unit testing-integration testing? They're like DSLR cameras or the father of Leticia Charlotte Agraciana Joseph (daughter of Sheila Marcia Joseph, in case you are not updated with infotainment lately :D). I don't mind learning things about them, but if you ask me, I'm not curious at all. I could not care less how I should adjust the focus, lenses and God knows what other components of a DSLR camera are, as long as I can take pictures with it.
So what is my passion then? I have no idea. I find Cornelia Funke's biography really interesting.
I love my work. I love writing books and telling stories so much that I could not imagine doing anything else. But it took me a very long time to figure out that this was what I wanted to do, let alone that I could actually do it well enough to make a living from it.
And she writes a lot of very good books, if you ask me. The Thief Lord is even listed under my Books That Changed My Life list.
So what's mine?
**to be continued because i don't want to make this post too long**
Title: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Author: Jonathan Safran Foer
Publisher: Penguin Books
A story of a 9-years-old Oskar Schell, whose father died in 9/11, trying to find the lock of a key he finds at his father's closet. The key is found in an envelope with the word 'Black' written in it. Assuming that it refers to a person, Oskar begins to knocks the doors of one Black to another in New York and asks if they know something about the key. His need to feel close to his father brings Oskar to the lives of strangers and relatives, the story of his grandparents from fifty years ago, gives him bruises and 'heavy boots'...
I like this book, but not as much as I thought I might like it. Oskar's character is a bit impossible for a 9 years old, but I really like him. Somehow Oskar's narration reminds me of that in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Other than Oskar's, this book is also written his grandparents points of view. And that, I think, is the reason why I like this book less than I thought I might. Grandma's and Grandpa's story are rather gloomy and dull. I just don't understand, what's the point of Grandma repeatedly saying 'my eyes are crummy'?
Anyway. This book is full of beautiful lines and touching words, and photos from Oskar's list of Stuff That Happened to Me. They make me laugh and cry. I rate this book 4 of 5 (I could give 5 if only Grandma and Grandpa are not that boring).
I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.
She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.
We need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect. We need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the universe.
'Why do beautiful songs make you sad?' 'Because they aren't true.' 'Never?' 'Nothing is beautiful and true.'
In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots.
I thought about birds. Could they fly if there wasn't someone, somewhere, laughing?
... of work? No. At least not what I'm talking about now, hehe. I feel hot and dizzy. My throat hurts, my head aches. Worst of all, now that I have the time to have a proper sleep, I can't even close my eyes. I'm officially sick. At weekend. The very right time to get sick.
I have 5 minutes before the workshop begins. Don't really know what I want to write, because when I wake up this morning I swear to myself I won't complain anything about work. Well at least just for today. I will be very productive and very seriously learn these nonsense useful technologies about "software as services".
There's a Nestle coffee machine here, which reminds me of my internship at IBM and how we, the interns, used to finish off the Milo. Not one of the best times of my life, anyway.
Well, the workshop begins. Actually today's workshop is far more interesting than the last two days. The idea of building applications without having to write a single line of code? That's fascinating. JDeveloper is fascinating. Except that it has so many panels, which is confusing. And it takes up too much memory and patience. It takes forever for my page to load.
Or I made a mistake. Because others don't take that long. Let's see...
Turns out, after redoing the lab, it's the last step that makes my page won't work. And I did everything in the tutorial. Whatever. I'll just skip and proceed. I like it here, I wish I don't have to go back to office again tomorrow. Or for good. Oh well. What is it about my promise to stop complaining?
Anyway, I'm further in this lab than everyone else (maybe because I simply ignore all the error and move on) so I have extra time now. Do you know that I've written this post since 9 am (it is now 2 pm)? Maybe I should just stop.
Let's just say I'm in the mood to write. I have 3 active blogs and I've updated all of them yesterday. You would wonder why I need 3 blogs.
Ok, the first one is this blog, the oldest one, for posts about daily life. Or random, foolish thoughts, more likely. And then I have a private blog for the heart talks. Not only about love life (even though most of the posts are really about it), but anything I feel too personal or too stupid to be exposed in public. Why not create a private post in the same blog, then? Well, I'm just afraid I might forget to mark it as personal post. Or maybe I just want to separate those aspects of my life. Anything. The third one is my Tumblr, which I'm not sure what it's for. I create the blog when I was really bored at work. I like Tumblr, only sometimes I'm not sure whether to write here or there. Well, why does it matter anyway? As long as I can find a place to write.
Blogging was once very popular in CSUI05. We put links of each other's blogs and check the blog aggregator to see who has updated his/her blog. We put shoutbox in our page so everyone can write unimportant things there. There was almost always a comment for each post and a gossip following it. Ah, I miss those days.
I did not notice when the blogging ritual disappear. Suddenly everyone was too busy. Or maybe it's the booming of microblogging like Plurk or Twitter or just Facebook status. I have those accounts too, of course. But I never think they are enough to accommodate my thoughts, because well, I think a lot. So I stick with these macro-blogs.
And as if they're not enough, I still write a diary too. Really, who still write diaries these days? Hehe. I don't know, there's something romantic about writing in a diary. Or simple, more likely. All that you need are just a pen and a diary. Not complicated things like a computer and Internet connection. Well, back to the romantic part. When you write a diary, your handwriting also expresses your emotions. I like to see how my handwriting becomes larger when I'm angry, or smaller and neat when I'm not really in the mood to write but have nothing to do, or messy when I'm so happy and impatient to write about my happiness.
Anyway, you must have noticed how I write in English in the latest posts (if you bother to spend your time reading my blog). Some of you who know me well will know that I really love Bahasa Indonesia. And it's not like my English is good. Well actually I've been writing in English for quite a long time in my private blog and diary, but I reserve this blog mostly for posts in Bahasa Indonesia. So why? Well just the fact that I will need to use English soon and I'd better improve it from now.
That's it for tonight. Time to read and go to sleep. Bye everyone.
I've been working at the new office for 5 weeks now. How do I like it so far? Well. Hehe. Just a few things to say.
- The traffic is cruel, especially on the way home. It takes me approximately 2 hours to arrive at home. And there can be so many things that stress me out: the buses, angkot, motorcycles. People who so easily ignore the traffic signs or get busy with their phones while driving. Really.
- I sometimes miss my former workplace. People often asked me whether I regret leaving my former job. Well, it's tough here and I miss the familiar situation there. But no, I don't regret my choice. I know it might seems like I took it for granted. That job has helped me a lot with my scholarship application. And right after I had my application sent, I decided to leave the job? No. If you ask me, I really really intended to continue working there. Only I can't stand it. I became so depressed and lonely, which had nothing to do with the work itself but with the environment. And trust me, I've tried. Or else I wouldn't survive 5 months there. So, no, I didn't take that job for granted. I was not looking for more money by switching jobs. I was just simply looking for a new place, a new environment, a chance to slowly fix my life.
- Well, in the last point I said that I did not look for money by working here. No, I did not. But I do now, haha. Turns out, even though the salary is not much different from the last one (if I consider the transportation cost), it's one of the things that keeps me holding on and trying harder here.
- The people. They're nice. But I don't easily adapt in a new environment. I have always been a person who does not talk too much, even with my own close friends. And with strangers, well let's just say I barely speak, hehe. And with the work, I feel like the stupidest person in my department. Well, whatever. I know it will be fine soon.
- Everyday, I always count down for 5 pm to come. Even though everyone else in the same floor still work until at least 6 pm, hehe. And every week, I always wait implatiently for Friday 5 pm. I always hate it when it's Sunday night. Even more when it's Monday morning. But it's Saturday night now and I still have the whole night and tomorrow to do anything I want :)
First, gratitude.
... and can hereby officially offer you the Erasmus Mundus scholarship for course edition 2010-2012 ...
My first reaction after reading those words is crying. Thanking God for everything, for giving me the chance to read those words. Gratitude, that was all I had.
Next, the excitement.
Here's when I started browsing about Malta and Groningen.
The universities, available courses, which ones I would like to take, which ones I would not.
The incredibly beautiful beaches of Malta.
Things I will do, books I will find, pictures I will take.
Friends I will meet.
Then came the worries.
This is when the what-ifs popped into my head.
What if I can't find moslems there?
What if it's hard to find halal food?
What if somehow I run out of money?
Where will I pray?
And now, the fear.
Those are the lands of strangers. Somehow I'm afraid of not having any friends. I don't easily make friends. Sometimes I smile to strangers, but mostly I don't. I'm going to try hard of course, but still I'm worried of being lonely there.
And there are people here I will leave, those who love me and I love. Family, friends, boyfriend. How am I gonna make it without them? How will they be without me?
All those feelings are now mixed up.
I know the excitements will sometimes fade. There will be times when the courses are too difficult, or good books are hard to find, or anything.
I know the worries will die before I could even realize it. Maybe then they're replaced with the new ones.
I know the fear will eventually go away. It may take longer than everyone else, but so far I can always find friends anywhere I go.
Well then I just hope that the gratitude never leaves me. I just hope that I can always, and by always I really mean all the time, find something to be grateful of.
Extra time to read, to blog, to go to the malls.
Less time to code, to be stuck in traffic jams, to count down the hours till 5 pm.
Well, I'm currently working for money, not for career, hehe. At least for the following few months. This is not how I want to build my career (I'll figure it out later). But I can spend the money to buy books.
I bought these books last week.
- The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein
- How to Train Your Dragon - Cressida Cowell
- Still Alice - Lisa Genova
- Holes - Louis Sachar
- Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
I've finished How To Train Your Dragon, like it but I doubt I would want to buy the other books of the series. Currently reading Thirteen Reasons Why, Holes, and The Art of Racing in the Rain (I love parallel-reading!). Getting through half of the book, I don't like Thirteen Reasons Why so far, but we'll see how it ends.
Oh, and I haven't finished two Sherlock Holmes The Complete Novels and Stories I bought last month. Way to go.
A friend left for study last night. I wonder what it feels like. I wonder what I will feel when it's my time to leave, too. I wonder who will be there to say 'goodbye' and 'see you around', and how they will feel about my leaving. I wonder what it's like when I get to the plane that brings me to a land of complete strangers and for the last time, stare into this city I love so much.
